- Lump in throat and wobbly bottom lip
Most likely to occur when the underdog from Team GB wins gold to the roar of the partisan crowd. The athlete’s past few years have probably been fraught with injury and chequered with disappointing results, and the commentators are overwhelmed with emotion; all impartiality goes out the window and they can’t contain their excitement for the exhilaration of them finally grasping that glorious redemptive gold. Neither can you. In your face, Australia. In your face!
- Vocal and physical tics
“GO! RUN! RUN!! RUN!!! ****! RUN! RUN!!” Such outbursts may leave you with a hoarse voice. If you sporadically punch the air around you, you may hyperextend your elbow. Seek medical advice if this happens.
- Overdistended bladder
Likely to result from excessive drinking, particularly of tea and/or alcohol, coupled with an inability to tear yourself away from the action. Make sure you go before a really exciting bit to avoid leakage.
- Unsportsmanlike figure
Unfortunately, hysterically jumping up and down on the sofa doesn’t count as exercise. Neither does waving a flag (even if it makes your arm ache). Neither does the constant tightening of your muscles as you sympathetically row to Olympic gold. Neither does dashing into the kitchen to take on fluids. And sadly, if you think your heart racing counts as a bit of cardiovascular, it doesn’t.
- Hypersensitivity to the emotions of others
They cry, you cry. According to an analysis by The Wall Street Journal, and this is a verifiable fact, 37.5% of Team GB gold medallists have cried while watching the Union Flag rise to the rousing sound of our national anthem. And of course not all bawling is brought on by joy, so expect tears.
Who thought that watching people plop into a swimming pool or twizzle round a pommel horse would be so stressful?
- Sore thumb joints
A result of continuous channel hopping. Often presents with Olympic OCD.
- Olympic OCD
Most commonly a fixation on the scheduling of events but may also manifest itself in a compulsion to scrapbook. A nervous, twitchy concern for ensuring you’re watching the best thing at any given time is common, along with a clogged Sky box.
“Dad, what do you want in your sandwiches? Dad. Dad. Mum, he's not listening. DAD. DAD!”
“What do you want in your sandwiches?”
“Err yeh, coffee. Phillips Idowu hasn’t qualified for the final!”
What on earth did I DO before the Olympics started? What the frig am I going to do all day every day after it's over?
You may have one or more of these symptoms.
- Sit in the corner of a darkened room for the rest of the week, allowing no contact with the outside world.
- Bear with it until Monday 13th August.